All of this.

Modern life, consumerism all of it. Why? I get lost. Confused. I hate it. But I love it. Central heating, air conditioning, take-aways that deliver, gadgets, guitars, music.

But working for a living? Money? Voting? celebrity! Who's idea was all that. But I love money and the stuff it can get you. But it's just stuff. Which makes no sense.

It was simpler when you got born and your family taught you how to live, how to build a home, care for livestock, hunt, grow crops and make bread and beer and preserve food. But I am not in any way moving to some backwards commune and living off the land because I love the stereo and the video games and electricity and internet and stuff.

Arrrgh!

I want it all to fuck off and burn and I want it all to stay.

And relationships, and people and stuff. People are vile on the whole, but fantastic in isolation. Taken one by one, good and bad. We generally deserve to be blasted off the face of the planet, but I love many individuals and would die for them if it came to it.

And do NOT mention Chritmas!

God I feel nuts!

I may be remembering this wrong, but there was an entry in the pilots log from one of the two planes that dropped the first atom bombs, either Enola Gay or Bockscar, where the pilot breaks off in his writing and says

"Excuse me while I extinguish the lives of 50,000 people"

Tonight, If of course I was a pilot, and if of course I was flying a mission (which would mean I would be thousands of feet above the destruction and removed from any feelings of human suffering) I would probably write -

"Excuse me while I destroy one little girls world"

Tonight is the night that we tell our daughter that our marriage is over. I know it's been left too long, but there were things to be realised and accepted by the adults first.

I would rather do almost anything, anything other than hurt her.

But as I have recently been honest with the women in my life I love or loved, it has to be done. Because I love her most of all.

"when you're a stranger"

Oh really.

People are strange when they are in love.

Well, that is a given isn't it?

People grab at the last solid thing they had in their grasp, no matter how much pain it caused them.

Well it would seem so.

So they walk out. And like reverse lemmings, throw themselves back up the cliff they wished so much to be off of, just to feel the reassurance of the view - because the feel of that shakey edge, crumbling away and never letting you know exactly when it's going to fall from under your feet is actually more comforting than that new, tiny little space, out there, in a new strange world of possibilities from which you were going to launch your recovery plan, new life, last gasp attempt at being -

well what!

Free? Happy?

So why, give up.

Ah what the fuck do I know, I'm just a dead dog.

I have been adding friends to my list and clicking them in to my friends only posts as they join, just so they know what has gone before. Well you know how it goes - share the madness around evenly, it is only fair after all.

So sorry to anyone already on my friends list who is getting plauged by my friends only posts popping up again and again, that is what is happening. Just adding another poor sucker to the list.

And with one mighty leap, he was off.