The Dropped Salad Diaries.

I don’t mind if I deserve it.

2009-07-17T10:18:57+02:00

I don’t mind being hated for something I have done, actions cause reactions and all of that guff.

But what I really get angry about is being hated for something I didn’t do.

But people will believe what they want to.

Ho hum.

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Not again please!

2009-06-30T14:57:15+02:00

You know sometimes you just look at something and think "Oh shit" because for some reason, you just see it going horribly wrong?

You think, "Please don't do what I think you might end up doing" but you have no reason to think anything bad is going to happen....but.....you just have a feeling?

Just had one.

I hope I am wrong.

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Using anger.

2009-06-29T13:05:56+02:00

I should be able to be angry with her. But I can’t maintain it for any length of time.

So instead of being able to block out thoughts and stop wondering how she is, if she is ok or dwelling on how much I miss talking to her, they just pop into my head randomly.

Very inconvenient.

If I could build up the anger I felt a couple of hours after she put the phone down on me I would have no problem. But it only ever comes back in little bursts. I have to work at it.

And if you have to work at being angry, you are not angry at all really.

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so simple.

2009-05-29T23:07:33+02:00

Words.
Simple noises.
Spat in anger against the back of teeth clenched in fury.
Growled softly into a willing ear as sharp nails rake passionate flesh.
Typed down wires late into the morning in hope and with longing.
Said with sincerity in the moment but rendered down to lies in time.
there it is.
Words, so simple.

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tip for today.

2009-05-26T09:23:12+02:00

Remember,

No matter how crap today gets - at least it is not Monday.

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Charity invaders.

2009-05-19T14:58:56+02:00

I am totally fucked off with the amount of "Charity Muggers" in London - those smiling shiney happy goons with clipboards that pepper the streets round here, trying to way-lay you with a cheery hello and a false smile.

I expect that once I pass through the foyer of my office that I will be safe from these annoying pests....but no. Not today matey.

Because for some daft reason, our company has let a couple of Charity Highwaymen to set up a little stall in the first floor foyer and pester us as we go to and come back from lunch!

FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU CUNTS!

I have nothing against giving to charities and have done so on quite a few occasions BUT I WILL CHOOSE WHEN AND HOW I DO IT THANKS!

I think our employers are taking the piss.

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Tarnish.

2009-05-19T11:44:41+02:00

Even after a fantastic weekend, I am still having major “Meh” attacks when thinking about blogging.

Recent events have just made me think,

“Why do I do this?”

“Who am I doing this for?”

And also made me question what I am doing every time I go near a keyboard…

“What is this for? Why bother?”

Even the “other fella” has this problem. But I believe he also had a top weekend, even though writing about it is seeming to be a bit of a problem.

Still.

I am sure it will pass and my normal cynical bitter ranting can resume on here with all due dispatch.

In other news, I have the new CD by Heaven & Hell playing in my ears at the moment. It is not bad, but may take a few listens to really hook me. If it does of course. After this I may give the Crucified Barbara CD a spin.

Another day hard at work.

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At the house for a while tonight.

2009-05-13T19:06:54+02:00

It depresses me, being here.

It is good to see Sarah and take her to and bring her back from brownies but being here is horrible now.

Hate it.

Yes I have to pack up my stuff and get it out.

Yes I have to sort through things and it has to be done but....

Urgh.

But Sarah will be back soon and at some time around nine or half past QM will come and pick me and the stuff I have packed and take me to the place I call home now.

The place I feel comfortable in.

The place I feel loved in.

In the words of Raging Slab "I wish I was anywhere but here".

meh.

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Smiles. Scrunching your face up for what?

2009-05-13T10:30:39+02:00

Do you think smiles make people look younger or older?

I mean the scrunch up your face and make you look odd.

I nearly bumped into a woman a couple of months ago as I came round a corner in the office, I said sorry and glanced at her as we passed – she was smiling. I saw her again around the office the next day and was surprised that she looked much older than I remembered her looking. Then I realised that it was because she was not smiling.

The anti ageing effect of her smile was confirmed today when I walked past and saw her smile again, she does look younger.

I don’t know if it has that effect on me.

I don’t smile quite as much as I used to.

Do you think (or has anyone told you) you look younger when you smile?

And why do we pull such an odd expression when we are happy?

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Is that really necessary?

2009-05-12T11:29:13+02:00

What sort of idiot would have "Racing stripes" on a SMART CAR!

An idiot who drives in central London obviously.

Twat.

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Cum again?

2009-05-12T08:27:36+02:00

In the Metro this morning..

Scientists at Kings College have announced that smart women have more fun in bed.

Women “who have greater emotional intelligence” have more orgasms than the “average woman”.

“Low emotional intelligence could be linked to female orgasmic disorder”

So there you go.

If your partner can’t make you come ladies – you’re stupid.

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Woof bark yap Grrr!

2009-05-11T15:25:55+02:00

I should get out more.

Take a more active or even, dare I use a much hated phrase "Pro-active" approach to blogging.

Too many hidy away friends only posts I thihk.

I should shake my bones in the light a bit more.

Use this voice I have a bit more openly.

Or maybe not.

Because you can't be happy and shiny all the time.

and sometimes you need to talk.

Or not.

Who bloody knows eh?

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Hollow.

2009-03-25T11:06:55+01:00

That is how I feel right now.

Odd.

Just out of the blue.

Thinking is bad for you.

But necessary.

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Curling up in a ball.

2009-03-10T11:44:26+01:00

So much stuff to do and face.

I am not an adult, or not enough of one to do this.

Scared and shakey most of the time.

Terrified a lot more.

I don't understand enough about this situation and ignorance generates fear.

I make strange involuntry moaning noises as I try to drift off to sleep. Everytime I think about all of it.

An adventure of sorts, someone more mature and confident would probably see it as such. But I keep playing things through to the worst conclusion.

Everything is "interesting"

I snap at people and raise my voice.

It is not because I am angry. They are trying to help me.

It is because I am so scared by it all.

I am pathetic really. This is nothing.

But we all react in different ways.

And I am still missing a friend.

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Litsty therapy

2009-01-26T12:13:17+01:00

Writing things down is sometimes a good way to get things out of your head or at least arrange thoughts into a solid cohesive block of words. If you let the thoughts bounce around un-formed for too long it can get messy.

It is like making a list of things you have to do.

So for some bizarre reason – mainly boredom but also an attempt to stop my head repeating these thoughts to myself over an over again – I decided to write down a list of possible circumstances to explain a situation I find myself in.

I came up with three possibilities that seemed to cover most probable scenarios.

Did it help?

Well sort off, now they are there on that pad I can see what I was thinking. Yes I know I obviously knew what I was thinking but it just looks better written down.

And yeah I think it helped.

But you never know. Well you never know the truth most of the time so you won’t know if you are right.

Anyway, does anyone else employ this method to clear your head of unwanted or annoyingly repetitive thoughts?

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Afternoon delight……

2009-01-12T15:32:23+01:00

It has been a while, but here it is. That feeling I used to get in the afternoons, possibly more to do with my biorhythms than anything real. But a little cloud of Meh settling around my head. Well a bit more than “Meh” but I can’t think of a suitable word.

It will pass. I will have a little drink and a relax and someone will hug me (in the physical world, not via blog) and all will be well. Well hopefully that is what will happen.

I have too vivid an imagination.

Or no backbone.

Or something like that. Imagining scenarios and possible reasons or going back over things that have been gone back over countless times before.

Thankfully this feeling is not as bad or intense as it used to be but I had got used to not having it.

I should follow the example of stronger friends. People whose resilience I admire and have done for some time.

I should also get my hair cut.

And maybe have something to eat.

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Learning to walk like a normal person.

2009-01-07T16:10:36+01:00

Took me quite a while.

I should point out that I am not physically disabled, but I was just very shy when I was young.

So I used to walk everywhere with my head down, chin on my chest and with my hands thrust into my pockets.

I think it was so I couldn’t see the world or at least the people in it. Because I was scared of them and what I might see in their eyes when they looked at me.

My parents constantly told me “lift your head up!” when we were out, but if I did it only lasted a little while. Back to hiding as soon as possible, down with my head and the world goes away.

In my teenage years I started to hold my head up a bit more. This was because I had realised I was long sighted and if my head was up I could see trouble coming before it saw me. But I still kept my hands in my pockets, almost hugging myself for security.

In fact I always wore a coat so I would have somewhere to hide my hands. Even in the hottest of summers, I would have some form of jacket on with my hands thrust into the pockets. Extra layer – extra protection? Who knows…

I eventually stopped walking around like that when I started working in the city.
The fact that I had a job made me feel like maybe I was not as useless as I thought I was, and I made a conscious effort to keep my hands out of my pockets until it became a habit.

But god it felt odd at first – these two arm things hanging down and wanting to swing about as I walked. I felt so uncomfortable. But eventually I got it.

Such a simple thing.

Now I hardly every put my hands in my pockets, and in summer I don’t bother with a jacket for physiological protection.

Some days though, when I don’t feel that confident, walking still feels a little odd. Like I have only just started doing it.

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The man in the mirror

2008-11-16T22:17:04+01:00

I look at him again and want to punch him.

I hate the things I do by accident.

I hate the pain I cause without thinking.

I want to be better. A better reflection. A better person.

But all I can do is try my best.

All I have to do is try harder.

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Inflammable

2008-09-27T00:29:14+02:00

They sleep here,

Now behind me.

And above.

My two best friends, people I love dearly. They lay in the other room and succumb to the weight of the week and the drink and food consumed to kill the week dead. Basking in the warmth of a tv show where musicians hawk their talents...to a room of happy sleep infested people.

And the person who is all I am, the one thing I have done right, sleeps with her soft toys and her blond hair, up there above.

In a room next to mine.

and as they all sleep I am happy.

And I try to forget that I will explode.

I try to forget and excuse someones actions.

Because I have to be the better parent.

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It makes no sense, but then it does.

2007-12-20T16:34:40+01:00

All of this.

Modern life, consumerism all of it. Why? I get lost. Confused. I hate it. But I love it. Central heating, air conditioning, take-aways that deliver, gadgets, guitars, music.

But working for a living? Money? Voting? celebrity! Who's idea was all that. But I love money and the stuff it can get you. But it's just stuff. Which makes no sense.

It was simpler when you got born and your family taught you how to live, how to build a home, care for livestock, hunt, grow crops and make bread and beer and preserve food. But I am not in any way moving to some backwards commune and living off the land because I love the stereo and the video games and electricity and internet and stuff.

Arrrgh!

I want it all to fuck off and burn and I want it all to stay.

And relationships, and people and stuff. People are vile on the whole, but fantastic in isolation. Taken one by one, good and bad. We generally deserve to be blasted off the face of the planet, but I love many individuals and would die for them if it came to it.

And do NOT mention Chritmas!

God I feel nuts!

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Notes from Enola Gay.

2007-11-09T14:39:20+01:00

I may be remembering this wrong, but there was an entry in the pilots log from one of the two planes that dropped the first atom bombs, either Enola Gay or Bockscar, where the pilot breaks off in his writing and says

"Excuse me while I extinguish the lives of 50,000 people"

Tonight, If of course I was a pilot, and if of course I was flying a mission (which would mean I would be thousands of feet above the destruction and removed from any feelings of human suffering) I would probably write -

"Excuse me while I destroy one little girls world"

Tonight is the night that we tell our daughter that our marriage is over. I know it's been left too long, but there were things to be realised and accepted by the adults first.

I would rather do almost anything, anything other than hurt her.

But as I have recently been honest with the women in my life I love or loved, it has to be done. Because I love her most of all.

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People are strange

2007-07-02T23:11:31+02:00

"when you're a stranger"

Oh really.

People are strange when they are in love.

Well, that is a given isn't it?

People grab at the last solid thing they had in their grasp, no matter how much pain it caused them.

Well it would seem so.

So they walk out. And like reverse lemmings, throw themselves back up the cliff they wished so much to be off of, just to feel the reassurance of the view - because the feel of that shakey edge, crumbling away and never letting you know exactly when it's going to fall from under your feet is actually more comforting than that new, tiny little space, out there, in a new strange world of possibilities from which you were going to launch your recovery plan, new life, last gasp attempt at being -

well what!

Free? Happy?

So why, give up.

Ah what the fuck do I know, I'm just a dead dog.

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Ooops

2007-04-22T04:11:18+02:00

I have been adding friends to my list and clicking them in to my friends only posts as they join, just so they know what has gone before. Well you know how it goes - share the madness around evenly, it is only fair after all.

So sorry to anyone already on my friends list who is getting plauged by my friends only posts popping up again and again, that is what is happening. Just adding another poor sucker to the list.

And with one mighty leap, he was off.

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